I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
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The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Not😆🤣
giddy up Office Depot
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.