Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears

The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

I found your tweet-up…

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Hilarious if literal: arms race

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:

What even are olives, like a fish or something?

I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.