Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

never ask a starfish for directions

TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

how long have you had this for?

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous

[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.

I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.