I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
You Might Also Like
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist