Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need better friends

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

a public service announcement

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

95% of being a scientist is getting really excited to tell people about something catastrophic.

My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.

A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible