Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off

Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.

All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating