I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
You Might Also Like
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Sign of the day..
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out