I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
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I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Just spent 3 hours debugging. Turns out it was a missing semicolon. Considering a career in sheep herding now.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.