Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

i want the dreams to chase me for once

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…

Bullshit.

What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.

My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE