MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.