I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My Sentiments Exactly
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish