Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.

If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.

I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!

I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.

[lost at sea]

FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair

ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.

If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

*arouses suspicion*

Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me

Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me