I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?