Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*

Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.

spot the difference

Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

Daughter: So I gather

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]

Penguin:

God: technically that’s not flying lol.

[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.

Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

birds: it’s so peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny

if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it

How long do you have to wait between naps?

A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.