I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am