I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
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my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Nomnomnomnom
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.