I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
You Might Also Like
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
If I ignore life will it go away?
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?