I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
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The United Steaks of America
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger