I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
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The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
Bit chilly again tonight.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no