I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
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To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in