I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her