Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Are you ok?

– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.

The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.

Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.

I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.

girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction

me: where did that come from

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.

Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.

My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.

1st date: I love the spiderman movies

Me: So do I

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: I used to be a spider

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going