I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”