I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials