I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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screw you
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.