I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
calling in to work dehydrated
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both