Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

When your best mate counts as a desk too

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.

“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

[High School Reunion]

Me: Those were the days, right?

Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.

Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.

4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.

Me: What’s wrong baby girl?

4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.

Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.