Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well

*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually

Good morning

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”

The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.

#inspiration #foodforthought

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

Crow just flew by me carrying a whole bagel in his mouth and I cheered at the sky like my son just won a sports scholarship

i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton

[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*

cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.

15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.

Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!

15: Uhhh…what?

Me: Never mind.

Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.