I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
You Might Also Like
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito