I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
About to throw up
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.