I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.