I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks