I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
the hypocrisy of humans judging a cat for hunting a bird like they’re not ordering chicken nuggets with zero remorse
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”