I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.