Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love thy neighbor’s dog

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.

2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.

Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.

Witches love that.

Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

“snitches get stitches”

Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.