I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Guys, I found it.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity