I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“please don’t give me the ball, please don’t give me the ball”
-memories of playing high school sports
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Boom, boom, ching!
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
May have had one breakfast too many
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant