I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
waiting for halloween be like:
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me: