I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
this is what they would have looked like, though
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome