I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”