Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

[Shark Tank]

ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic

MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?

ME: It ate my credit card

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

I can’t stand fake people.

Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.

Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.

ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

[invention of cap’n crunch]

satan: give them sugar croutons

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.

FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.

I’ll keep you all posted.

Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.

Me: I’m paying cash.

Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.