I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
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Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
How dramatic are you?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please