Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

Seems legit.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?

ME: Of course!

BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

God has abandoned us.

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.