I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The French word for sex is croissant.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?