I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
A book written by and for chickens is called a bok
Does it…does it take 3 days
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.