I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The Book. The Movie.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.