Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right

-Goldilocks on Tinder

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

My inexpensive home security system…

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.

Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.

Now you’re ready to have kids.

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.