I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
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83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]