i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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Seismologists are loyal to a fault
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Why can’t opportunity just leave itself on my doorstep and send me a photo
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.