i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?