i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.