Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Born to be mild.

Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…

Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

Me: Babe, I got carded today!

Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.

Rules for a happy marriage:

3. Separate bank accounts

2. Separate data plans

1. Separate bathrooms

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!

“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”

– 11yo, not wrong

SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers

Me: [right before a hurricane hits] ugh I just washed the car

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?