i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
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i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“
My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
