I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*