I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
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Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish