Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.

So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

Me: The floor is lava!

Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?

Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”

Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”