Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.

bad news gang

I need better friends

People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas

My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation

my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking

Breaking news:

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.

I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

My daughter has this stuffed animal that you can heat up prior to cuddling with. I always feel like a psychopath doing this

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)