Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

crazy

I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.