i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time