I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
🤣🤣
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.