Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence

Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*

eyes: *water*

*looks like I’m crying in meeting*

me: yeah this is better

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result

Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no