I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
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Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
You look like you would fail a DNA test
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go