I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
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Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
tis the season
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
Pigeon open mic night.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
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“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
no one ever comes back