I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
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Why did the dragon cross the road, ….to go buy a lair freshener🌲
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Jokes are like sex. It’s all about the buildup and at the end they laugh at you.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.
I love it all
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.