I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Lmao
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi