Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.

-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?

Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.

Me: Neither are you.

Zen master: Oh bugger.