I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?