I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
This story is comedy gold 😂
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.