I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes