Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.

I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.

Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Just organising my finances.

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

*names my little horse OneTrick*

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood

I do it one time and now I need bail