Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
You Might Also Like
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does