@ScottLinnen

I fake all my origamis.

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’m teaching my 2 year old about currency so I can figure out what coin she just swallowed.

@NicCageMatch

A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.

@TheNewDomShow

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

@TheDailySchmuck

1995: one day the Internet will allow all people access to the full breadth of human knowledge.

2016: *watching cat videos*

@platinumjones

the dance of freedom. the death bells. the rising of the joker.

one of the most magnificent, sublime, monumental, extraordinary scenes in cinema history

@parsfarce

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

@jergarl

Wife: What ARE you doing?

Me: [pelvic thrusting around the kitchen] Gettin jiggy wit it what’s it look like?

W: Making the dog nervous.

@AmericanGent69

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

@Dawn_M_

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.