I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
[Biker gang initiation]
Hey fellas, do I use baseball or hockey cards in my spokes
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.