Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.

Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.

How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring

Mary: thats ok

Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too

Mary: 🙂

Jesus: *sleeping*

Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho

Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god

You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*

If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Her: How’s your drink?

Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though

Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon