I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.