Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.

Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me

‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”

Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.

Chinese military tactics are pure genius.

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?

My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?